Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sometimes emotions do not go away

I really don't know who is my audience yet reading this. It could be 2 people or 10 or who knows but I need to vent. This morning I had a court appointment for a car accident that was in mid October. I just had to go to court and if the other person involved didn't show then my case was thrown out-no pts or fines. Well,  sure lucked out cause the other person didn't show, whoo hoo for me right?! Well yes but at the same time it was an awful morning and I am going to tell you why....

8.17.08 -  I was in a domestic violence attack with the man I loved. I am not going into all the details and story about that(again) but obviously it has changed my life. I have really bad triggers,anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder due to this. Along with many other things I battle daily, this day was going to be different. I have not been in a court house since I was going to court hearings and trial with my ex. JUST seeing a court house building gives me anxiety and brings back bad memories. Their are many things you can do to overcome your past and triggers. I have been very strong and grown a lot, thanks to my amazing friends, medications, social networking groups, reading, and most importantly counseling. I never thought I'd be in a courthouse again or at least this soon and I know 3 yrs has been a while..... but it's not in my book.

Getting ready this morning was a process. I had the same routine as I would for work-shower,get ready,get dressed,feed the pets, head out...but all in my head this morning were total clear replays of that first day I had in court with my ex. It  was the same building so I was dreading going there this morning. Of course their was a delay because my building maintenance had to check something on my complex...ok phew this gives me an extra few minutes to breathe.
So I drive to court,this time all alone whereas the time I was there before I had mom, dad,friends, and a counselor.
09/08- I walked into the courtroom wearing a black dress. My frame was so skinny and bony. My head highly medicated.My body was shaky and the left over bruises on my body were shown. I walked in behind everyone and looked threw the courtroom window to enter. There he was, sitting there in a full suit with his father. Looks like he was there for a traffic ticket, but little did everyone know in that room that this guy tried to kill me. He may not of seen that in his eyes ever(also because he was drugged and drunk and ill)  but I did. I know saying kill can be a harsh term also, but in my head,my book, my body- kill is the right word for what he did to me and what I felt that on that August day. I remember I took a seat and my friend told me to not look in the room. I didn't; as much as I wanted to I remember. I wanted to give him that evil death stare, pfffftt, as if that would help take the pain away! I wanted to scream and yell at his face. That day I didn't end up having to sit in a courtroom with him. He just sat in the waiting room as I sat outside the waiting room and got the date and courthouse changed to a different location. Phew that day was done. Then the courtroom process started...every mth for like 6 mths, maybe longer? It just seemed liked it never ended. Going in monthly with the same feeling everytime and it ACTUALLY got worse before it got better each time. I had to be alone (with my support group) in a courtroom with him. He would sit always 2 rows in front of me with smugness on his face. It was an awful and emotional situation I hadf to go through.

So today when I was going into court these were the visions in my mind that I could not get rid of . No matter how much I played on my phone,listened to music, or did anything to clear my head it didn't work. I got into the curt room this a.m and the first thing I see is a check in point for witnesses. Now I didn't need to be in that area but I walked past it. Witnesses there were TRAFFIC witnesses and victims,BUT NOT victims of DV but that's all I would think of. I had a witnesses...for a crime...that happened to me. I am not nor have I ever asked for pity but at this moment being in there this morning I needed someone with me to say calm down or something.... I sat down and luckily my one friend texted me. We chatted for a few and I was called into the court room. I was in that room for a matter of only 5 minutes and everything got dripped. I couldn't get out of that room or building fast enough. I left and felt relieved like a weight was lifted off me. I sat for a few and then left. It was over. I was not harmed, I was ok. Now here I am 6 hrs later writing and my head still feels clogged. I just am not feeling myself today. I fear I am going to have night terrors and I know people say if I think that way they'll happen. But they don't work that way for me. They will happen whenever my mind lets them or wants them to, no real control over it. My sleeping pills don't even control them.

What bothers me is people not understanding me or why I feel triggers. I was told yesterday " 3 yrs and you're still not over it?" um no....their are many things I am over, many I am not, and many I will be one day but somethings won't ever be gone. Their will be acceptance and forgetfulness but sometimes thinks will just have to stick forever and people need to accept this and me for me......

Today- 12/1/11-  Horoscope (yes,it is officially December)
"There is an old resentment you have been nurturing. You may believe that you have let it go in the past, only to have it rekindled by the person who offended you. But you really need to take a good,long look in the mirror,Gemini, Did you really let go of your anger? Did you really forgive this person? Or did you simply approach him or her with the hope that you would receive a heartfelt apology and then, went that didn't happen, did you build the wall between you even higher? Most likely it's the latter. Try truly letting go and forgiving, and you may even get that apology you seek."

I like this a lot. Although I will never forgive him for that he did or forget, this is right when it comes to the anger part. Of course I am still angry, why wouldn't I be? But it affects me more on some days more than others. I will never get an apology. The apology he gave in court  was a joke. But I like the words given to me today in this daily horoscope

Here are a few nice supportive things friends said to me today

"Just remind yourself that as much as it sucks, it has an end point. you will get out of there today. and it's *only* a building; it can't hurt you. you know how and why the panic attacks set it, out manuever them. you WILL be ok."

"This too shall pass, and will make you stronger. You're a strong lady to begin with."

"Remember everything we talked about. Your gonna do great"

"u need to stand strong and push through it and u will. and u WILL overcome it. ur never gonna escape everything that was involved but u will surpass it with time. breathe and just stay strong. you have to stay positive and remember that you fought that battle and left with ur dignity and pride and that this situation is not like the one a few years ago. u are a stronger person for everything and nothing can break you down."   (this was from my good friend Janelle who sat by my side at EVER single court date. She was and is my strength.

And that is me venting and writing for now! I'll leave you with these photos captions for the day because I think these really sum me up and how I am feeling today:

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