Friday was great, could not have asked for more. I went to my friends Staci and Chris's house for a Holiday Party. It was really lovely because I haven't seen there son Landon since he was a new born. I also got to spend time with my old bestie Kevin. It was so nice to catch up with friends.
Me and Landon
yep here is some boob touching by Mikey- normal
After Friday ended Saturday began. I wrapped Christmas gifts,cleaned my house and then my visitor came. His name is ------- and we have been talking now for about a mth, a bit more. We started to talk online off a common website and finally met like 2 weeks ago and had a delightful time. So he was in town from out of state again this weekend (originally from MI) for the holidays. We had a lovely Christmas Eve together. We at PF Changs, watched a movie, exchanged kisses and such, and he made me laugh. That is so important to me! that ....and 1 other thing which he really does good- he makes me feel safe and like I can be myself. I have worked so hard at being myself and seeing who I really am over the past year and it's nice for me to be my normal self, when my PTSD and anxiety is not kicking in. And even when it is, it is nice to not have to explain it since he too goes threw the same feelings. It was a lovely night.
Sunday was Christmas. I slept in til what seemed like forever. I open gifts with my pets. They loved all there toys.
After my nice morning of gifts with my pets, I got a phone call from the guy and his PTSD (yes we both have it in common) flared up and he had to leave MI and head home. This sudden change really hit me. I am not able to handle change in plans so easily or when anything goes off schedule. It's one of my triggers. I all of a sudden think it's me or something I did. I take things personal,get insecure, and I also get suspicious of things to easily due to my past relationships and trust issues. I have been in such a good position for a year now of being single and the minute I start having feelings for someone, which I swore to myself I wouldn't, I start acting all emotional. I swear I am meant to be with just animals my whole life. It seems no one can ever give me enough love or attention to show me true happiness. Or maybe I am too selfish or needy? I think it is hard to find someone that will deal with my insecurities let alone all the past issues I have and my flare ups. No, it is not something I can just ignore, get over fast, etc etc....(as people think I can) it's here with me, thanks to some assholes in my life but mostly due to my violent ex boyfriend. No I am not being abused physically right now, but my heart feels emotionally tapped out. Nothing has even begun with this guy yet except 2 great dates and my heart is already crying. I understand his issues, why he had to leave, and all that but I take/took it personal. We then proceeded o fight. I was almost 2 hrs late to Christmas at my parents with a migraine. I wasn't in the mood to open or accept gifts. I received a gift from my grandma that was from my grandpa from 1999. He passed away a few yrs back. She found it in her basement. I began to cry, this was the 3rd time I cried this day. I cried 2 times earlier due to the guy and my emotional unstableness. Then I opened my Christmas gift from my NC family and I cried. I got pictures of the kids and it made my heart sink to see how much I miss them.
The positive was that we did get to skype with them. Just seeing those 2 kids makes me smile. That did brighten my day a bit. But I couldn't wait to get out of there. I love my family but my mother and I have had some issues recently and they went kind of unresolved or pushed aside just for the Holiday sake, but I don't forget things or push things aside. I do;'t like to hold grudges and keep fighting- their is not point but to talk things out and share feelings to resolve things. I spent only 4 hrs with my family, which is short for me, and I left asap. I visited my best friend Lindsey who also had a crappy holiday so we basically teared up and bitched together
I went home and watched an amazing movie to cheer me up, and it certainly did. Midnight in Paris
is my new favorite Woody Allen Movie. It's about Paris, romance, prohibition,art, love...need I say more? I made me feel happy and I am defiantly going to be buying this movie.
Today is Tuesday and it has not been better. My hopes for the new years eve/day weekend were to go out of town to visit this guy, but sadly he is booked up and can't change his plans...or won't, So I guess I am sticking to my original New Years eve plans which will be hanging out in Detroit and hamtramck, something I rarely have done on new years eve shocking enough. I so wanted to spend time with this guy though because it won't happen again soon and it makes me really sad and I am not sure why.
- I don't want a relationship- I enjoy being single
- I am moving out of state- not a good time to start up a relationship
- I am going to be working 7 days a week soon- no time
- Clueless what he feels
"Next year is the year of chasing out all the douchers you've dated recently.Your too good for these guys. I don't want to see you hurt the way James ( a past ex that hurt me in October) hurt you again. I love you too much to let it happen again. You cannot date someone with issues that are larger than your own. Its too much conflict and stress.You need to focus on you and your goals you have set. Once you start your new volunteer job on the weekends you will get a break from the drama that is starting to engulf your entire mind once again. bring yourself where you need to be.You were almost there until 2 mths ago when another asshole guy came in and fucked it all up.He pushed you off the path of where I know you dream and want to be. Mine comes from love, not an opinion. Smile, you are worth so much more than this."
I swear, she says everything to make me smile and say you know what you are right. But it takes a while for me to let the right words sink in and do something about them. Why is that? An so now what? Every guy I date may or may not have a problem but how am I to know? And should I not date someone that has problems just because of maybe mixed problems for us? I don't know. I don't know what I want.....esp. today.
And further more why I am even more of an emotional mess today because I got word that my very good friends dad passed away today from cancer. He has been clear for a bit, but I guess it took him. I am deeply sad for her, my heart goes out to her so so much.
So my heart is empty today- full of sadness for my friend and well... it's just sad,lonely, hurt, and confused on the other end.