Friday, December 30, 2011

Goodbye 2011 and thank you for everything

                               2011 is almost over and what a year it has been.

I started off the year very sad after being broken up with Scott after dating for 11 months. Breaking up 2 days before Christmas is NEVER easy. I was convinced things would not be better and that I needed to be with him, He was everything to me. We spent time together still but it just wasn't working for me to still see him. I cut all ties. January passed, then February. The cold winter months and snow storms moved by so slowly esp when I didn't have someone to love and didn't have a job to keep myself busy. i was content sleeping 12 hour days and cleaning my house almost on a daily basis. One day close to the end of February or early March I woke up and it just hit me, like what am I doing?!
I started to go out again and be social. I met a guy and we dated a short bit. In fact over 2011 I met a few new guys that came into my life, but they were all dates and nothing serious.I do have one special guy in my heart who has been around since March, he is an amazing friend and I am so grateful he and I have gotten closer.  As winter slowly ended and spring began, I was feeling better. I was still in counseling once a month(and I still am) and journaling on a weekly basis. 2011 was now declared as a year for be single and work on myself. I was in non stop relationships since I was 16 and obviously none of them worked and some were worse than the others,obviously. I was still left though with out physical therapy and going to monthly doctors appointments to 3 of my different doctors. It always was tiring and never good results, always the same. Thankfully my migraines have been getting sooo much better and I knew now how to handle my stress,headaches, medications, and issues with my body. By May I was almost back to feeling somewhat sane. The summer was beyond amazing. When I turned 30 it was like a weight was lifted off me. All those bad things that happened in my 20's almost felt like they were erased. I know they never will be and some experiences and memories I certainly cherish, but it just felt like my eyes opened to a new beginnings. My birthday was fantastic and was celebrated for exactly 1 week. Two weeks later I spent about 15 days in North and South Carolina on vacation and made the decision to move there.This vacation was beyond amazing. I can't even start writing about it because I would never stop!  I started to do my research. I am 100% in love with North Carolina and my family there. After the amazing trip and I came home I felt like I didn't belong here.I am only happy when I am with my small group or friends or hanging out in Hamtramck/Downtown Detroit. My home is full of triggers.  I am constantly having night terrors and triggers in my own home because that is where my domestic violence attack occurred. I am 100% over the questions such as:
  •  why are you negative?
  •  why are you not better yet?
  •  why do you talk about it ?
  • why do you let it bother you?
  • why are you on meds?
  • why are you in counseling still?
Those questions come from friends and family but not one of those come from my closest dearest friends because they get me and understand that this is not an easy thing to recover from. And I have learned this year to NOT apologize for it. The permanent damage I have mentally,physically, and emotionally are something I have to deal with always and forever. And though I will be healed and moved on one day, it will always be with me and changed me, maybe in a better way, I like to believe that. I have come out stronger than before.
The fall came and it was great. I love the fall in Michigan, definitely something I will miss. Luckily, NC has a beautiful long fall. September 19th I got a job at a Veterinary Pharmaceutical Sales company.October well that was not a good month.The one positive was on October 25th my nephew Sullivan was born. Then sadly I let an ex boyfriend come back into my life and he played me for a fool big time. Some people with bi-polar and PTSD are so good at lying.... I like to not think about the last 2 weeks of that month or the 1st week of November. My Halloween party though was an amazing success. I was in my first car accident in October, on a 5 mth old newly bought car. In November the most and only exciting thing was spending 1 week in North Carolina with my family. And as I came home December appeared quickly. And here we are, at the end of the mth. December was good for the most part. No snow still and that bums me out. I did get AN AMAZING job offer as a volunteer at an exotic animal sanctuary. It is my dream and I can't wait!!!
 This year I have also met so many new people and strengthened my relationships with people. Some friendships aren't the same though either. As we get older we learn who is important and who is not, who cares and who doesn't. And no matter what the distance- people will love you no matter what if they are your true friend. I have met people on PTSD and DV boards and I am grateful for their help and listening ears. I am grateful to have friends all over the USA and can say they are honestly amazing friends, some better than ones 10 miles from me.  I feel I have been more social than I ever have been. Probably because I don't have a man holding me back or keeping me busy. The people I have talked to online but not met in person are great and I'd love to meet them in person this year 

In 2012 I have many goals set for myself. I don't make a end date. These are things I want to accomplish in the year of 2012:
  • Continue being single and enjoy it
  • Become stronger- body and soul
  • Learn to be less negative
  • Walk my dog more
  • Try to stop being stubborn/selfish. I find this a fault of mine
  • Continue having a gentle heart for others
  • Spread the word more about Domestic Violence and PTSD
  • Work on my relationship with my mother
  • Quit smoking (this and the next 2 are said yearly but I want them to be true this year)
  • Eat better
  • Exercise
  • Start cleaning out unnecessary things in my home
  • Save money
  • Journal more
  • Move to North Carolina(BIG ONE!!!)
  • Enroll in the online animal behavior institute school for my wildlife certification
  • Apply and receive my wildlife license/permit either in MI, NC, or both
  • And most important... be happy, be loved, just be
Wow, that is quite the list right?! I feel I can achieve it, or most of it. I am determined with these goals and I making this year about me, so much with stopping the selfishness right?! Well, I have been set back a good 3 years thanks to my DV innocent so for 2012 I am ready to charge, move forward, take the plunge on life more, continue my journey in recovery, and enjoy life.I am so thankful for my family but mostly my friends that love and support me.

I wish you all a Happy New years and have a safe one. I can't wait to see you all in 2012 and hear your stories. With all my love- Andrea

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